Change on the Horizon

Most reading this blog assume that I spend all my time writing and that it's been that way for a very long time. Reading back through my posts, I thought about how much I made it seem like that. The truth is I took a break for several years; blaming everything I could except for myself. The real reason-jade. That's how I describe it. I allowed someone to finally break my confidence, which is what they wanted to happen. In the end, allowing them to get inside my head. I walked away because of one person's opinion-stupid I know. Usually criticism doesn't bother me so much. Honestly, we need it to make us better at what we do. One person doesn't define who we are as artists, but I let the jade consume me.

Luckily, sometimes we get second chances. I spent a great portion of last year, helping my husband edit his novel. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole. Sure, I wasn't working on my own writing, but it was enough to revive me. This year I was finally tired of my own self-pity. I hated how incomplete I felt. I swore I'd get back into my own routine again. It was hard, I'll admit it. Sure you never forget how to ride a bicycle, but that doesn't mean its easy when you get back on for the first time.

Then something happened to remind me just how precious all that lost time was. We all have those moments that make us look back and wonder what in the world we are really doing with our life. I had mine on the middle of Lake Pactola in South Dakota this summer. On vacation with my family, we thought it would be a neat idea to rent a pontoon boat and go fishing. The day was absolutely gorgeous. It had been the clearest day we'd seen the whole time we were there. All of us were getting bites and landing fish; which is something I don't usually do, because fish hate my hook.

My husband was out back of the boat wake boarding. Something that only California boys can really do well. That's when we noticed the rain heading in our direction. So, I'm a good ole Kansas girl and my reaction was to grab the camera. How beautiful the far off rain danced off the lake. It didn't take long for that far off rain to be right up on us. We put up the awning, so we didn't get so wet.

The rain became the least of our worries. Hail started to pelt our swimsuit-covered bodies. We rushed to get the kids covered, but they were already screaming at the top of their lungs. The waves on the lake started to swell, making steering the boat near impossible. Thank goodness my father-in-law is not only stubborn and protective, but very knowledgeable about handling a boat in a storm.

The cold water rushed through the front of the boat where my mother-in-law and I were covered up. She realized we couldn't stay in that location. She pushed me to where my daughter was hiding from the storm. Of course, she had to do this because I was in my pre-foot surgery state and couldn't walk without a boot on my leg. When I got down there I realized my son wasn't with me daughter like I had previously thought. Panic rushed through my body as I didn't know where my son was on a boat that could possibly beat it at any moment. Not knowing where Kaiden was; what kind of mother was I? I knew Cloudya was down there and I thought I'd seen him go with her. What I'd really remembered seeing was my sister-in-law covering him up with a blanket close to her. As soon as she heard my panic and the waves settled for a second, she got him to us. Relief hit me, but we still had to get off the boat alive.

The cushions from the seats protected the children from the hail, but they were still shivering from cold and fear. As a mother I feared hypothermia and shock, so I came up with a way to keep them a little more preoccupied. Cloudya loves to be quizzed about things she knows well like Twilight and the Jonas Brothers and Kaiden likes to hear the answers so he can beat her at the next game. We do this alot on long trips. I asked Cloudya when Nick's birthday was and she screamed she didn't know. Well obviously, reasoning was out the window. Then she asked, "Can we just sing one of his songs?" So there we were, in the dark door of a near death experience and my daughter wanted to sing Jonas Brothers songs. Cloudya started to sing and than Kaiden chimed in. I took my towel off for a minute to access the sky. If there was anything I could do, it would be to see how soon till the storm cleared up. I got a clear shot of my father-in-law, he was shaking so hard from fear. It wasn't cold, I knew that, the only thing I could see on his face was solid fear. Almost everyone he cared about was on that boat, and he wanted to get them back to safety. As the kid's voices surrounded us, the sky started to look a little less bleak although the hail continued.

The hail plummeted us for nearly forty-five minutes and just as we got to the marina wouldn't you know it would stop. I learned several things about myself in those moments, but mostly about wasted time. This wasn't just about my craft, but my children and family more importantly. I knew getting off that thing that I would stop at nothing to make sure everyone of their desires came true. All the years I'd spent in my jaded state seemed stupid now. The whole thing made me remember something my grandpa had said along time ago, "An artist doesn't choose his art, but rather the art chooses the artist." I knew on that day, that I had only been wasting my talent and it was time to get over that. Shortly thereafter this blog was born and the kids got to see the Jonas Brothers in concert. Someday an art or craft will choose the two of them-of course, there's some debate on rather it already has or not-hopefully I set a good example for them and they achieve everything their little hearts desire.

Back To School

As everyone knows it is that time of year again, school is about to start. With that comes more and more craziness and tonight was no different. The first actual back to school event happened with the Open House and Meet the Teachers all in one. As much as I love school I have to say things like this particular event are out to make me insane.

I know that not every PTO/PTA in the world is the same or as great as the last one we belonged to, but this one is far from comparison. The group is very small, which I have a feeling has to do with no need for commitment to the group. For example, tonight Veronica and I were in charge of the cookie table. Someone was supposed to relieve us from duty about 30 minutes into the night but about 5 minutes before the event was over Cloudya's teacher came down to meet us because we had not made it to him yet. As an organization there was not enough people to help relieve the 7 workers so that they could meet their children's teachers. The first meeting of the year which was last week had a total of 5 parents and two teachers - not a good showing, and I fear it will not be any better.

Now, onto better news. So the year is starting and things will be getting crazy. I can truly say I have loved not being a personal driver that needed to be somewhere every two hours. But, those days are over. I will back on the schedule - 8:30 Drop Cloudya off at school, 11:00 Kaiden to Ice Skating/Hockey Lessons, 12:30 Meet Veronica for Lunch, 3:00 pick up Cloudya, 4:00 or 5:00 be at Guitar/Dance/Karate Classes, 7:00 get everyone home and make dinner. Just thinking about all of it makes me tired. I know it is all for the best, and that in the long run everyone grows because of it I am just not sure I get to grow much.

There, is one major plus to Cloudya going back to school and it just being Kaiden and I at home - there will be time for me to focus on the next book. I pitched the idea to Veronica tonight and she seems to think that it could be a good one. I will get to use my main character for the last book, Alex Mitchellson, and also bring in another bit of my life to the book through the story of a very close friend of mine and Veronica's. We will see how long this one takes me to write, if I am lucky it will go as fast as the first one. Hopefully, I will have a second book ready to go when I head to the Writers Conference in San Fransisco.

So, I guess the key lesson to remember this school year is going to be "Keep focused, stay on the schedule, don't forsake the art I have, take deep breaths, and be sure to pack a snack." Take care everyone, and have a safe and happy start to the actual begining of the year.

Summer of Emotions

Before summer arrived I sat at my computer trying to decide how to organize my daughter's "homework" for her vacation. As an aspiring actress I knew that she would need to devote time to those skills as well. As a nine year old she only understands the emotions associated with Nick Jonas, playing outside and being in trouble. These very simple emotions would not get her far in the cut throat world of entertainment and thus our Summer of Emotions was born.
It was a perfect idea. Not only would it help with acting exercises, but it would benefit her writing and reading assignments as well. First, the two of us researched thirty different types of emotions that she wanted to learn about. Then because they are so multi-layered we decided that each month she would bring a different element to that emotion like body, face, and voice.
The first days of the project would include journaling what each emotion meant to her with an example. The word adore brought her to write the sentence, "I adore Nick Jonas." Then we moved on to the real fun stuff which included mirror work and mimicking other's emotions. Acting practice was no longer her sighing because she had to say her audition pieces again, but was full on fun.
At first I worried about what would happen when she made her trips to visit other family members for the summer, but before I knew it she had gotten them involved as well. There are stories of mimicking her aunt while driving through Kansas City or making her grandma stop a movie so she could talk about how the character felt.
At the end of it all you may ask what the purpose is when my nine year old shouts at an emotion she identifies on TV. The answer would be emotion number eighteen: Fascination. What people do and why they do it now intrigue her. Emotions are everywhere and she is no longer afraid to find the subtext.
As we wind down the summer in the Dean home we find Cloudya sitting at her guitar. She is composing a song about her beloved Nick Jonas. When she performs it for the family it is filled with all of the emotions she feels for him. It makes her previous statement of adoration something much more complex. Truly she has had an emotional journey!